Update

   So far this summer has been fairly busy, which I wasn't expecting.  And this month will only be more busy.  I was asked to go to Girl's Camp and I am excited, but a little nervous too.  I haven't been since I was a YCL, and I haven't worked with the youth in any calling.  I've been in Primary for the last 3 1/2 years and just a couple of weeks ago was released and called as the Wolf Den leader.  So how do I relate to these girls?  Why would they open up to me when they only know me as someone they babysit for?  I hope that this will be a good experience for them and for me, but I'm probably worrying over nothing.  I will be an assistant tent mom and also be in the kitchen.  I kind of wish I was only doing one or the other, but I'm glad to be going at all and helping where they need me.

   I am excited to be helping Jacob with his scouting and learning more about Scouts.  At least I know this way he'll be passing off requirements!  I'll probably be doing this at least 2 years, since Jared will turn 8 next year.  Who knows what will happen after that.  I'm sad that I won't be working with Melissa, Megan and Arieta any more.  I really enjoyed being in the Primary Presidency.  A week ago Sunday I couldn't seem to stop crying during Primary.  I have to say though, it was nice to sit next to Whitney for the 2nd and 3rd hours of church this week.  It was nice to listen to the lessons and be able to participate in adult discussions of the gospel. 

    I'm doing the PTC again this year and I'm glad I have the chance to be involved in the kids' school and try and make it better.  I also am going to be the Art Coordinator again.  Over the summer I will be updating some of the lessons and the program in general and hopefully will go back in August more organized.  

   At the end of the month we are going on a camping trip.  Woohoo!  We might get to go one or two more times the whole year and the kids will be excited to go!

I can see!

   Last week I was able to have LASIK surgery.  It's so great to be able to see and not need contacts or glasses; especially when I've worn them for 15 years.  It was weird but didn't hurt.  The ride home was uncomfortable but once I got home I went to sleep and felt much better when I woke up.  I've had no problems.  I haven't been able to wear mascara for a week so people think my allergies are kicking up or ask if I'm ok because I'm not wearing makeup.  I find it funny since I never a lot any way; just usually mascara, and on occasion eye shadow and foundation.

   I watched my baby boy get baptized on his birthday, March 30th.  I was such a mess.   I couldn't seem to stop crying.  He was so cute and got to be baptized with Michael and Brielle.  It was a great, crazy busy weekend.  We had his birthday party on Friday, baptism and luncheon Saturday, and then a family dinner Sunday, which happened to be Easter.  The weather held, which was nice.  We took family pictures Saturday afternoon.  Dad and Ammon came out, but Mom couldn't make it and neither could J.D. or Aunalies.  I know they wanted to be there and I love them for that.

   Kamryn, my dear girl, has been a pill the past couple of days.  I'm starting to think she is teething.  She has been a grump and very bossy to everyone.  Her vocabulary is extensive now so she can pretty much communicate whatever she wants.  I'm hoping this won't last.  I'm about ready to muzzle her so she can't yell at me anymore :).

   Along with being baptized, Jacob has started Scouts.  He's pretty excited about that.  We sat down and did his Bobcat trail today.  I'm a bit excited too to learn about the scouting program.  I know bits and pieces from watching my brothers go through and Mom serving as a scout leader.  But it will be fun to do it with Jacob and then Jared also next year.

Good Day?

I hurt a friend today and I wish I hadn't.  I think it's the hardest when you didn't mean to do it, and then you find out and realize how hurt that person is.  I had planned a day with some friends and this person didn't get invited.  I wasn't trying to not invite her; I just didn't think about it.  I know what it feels like to be excluded and not feel like you belong, or have really close friends.  But I never considered that she would feel this way.  I have apologized to her and hopefully by writing it down I can exorcise it and we can move on; hopefully as friends again.
On a different note, Sarah had her first dentist appointment today and did great!  My baby girl is starting kindergarten in a few months!  It's not fair how fast they grow up!  Kamryn talks constantly, and is even wanting to potty train.  Jacob turns 8 in a week and he'll get baptized!  Jared talks about 2nd grade every time they have a school break.  I love them all and wish sometimes that time would slow down and I can enjoy them a little longer.  Before I know it they'll be grown and leaving the house.  I guess when I get this sentimental it's time to go to bed :).

Forward March!

I'm sure I'm absolutely the only person that has ever felt this way (said sarcastically), the last few days I have felt like the world's worst mom.  I feel like I can't control my kids more than half the time, they run through the house yelling and screaming which of course sets the dog off and he's barking and I just want to crawl under my sheets and hide, or bury my nose farther into a book and pretend all is calm and peaceful.
I know that I am a good mom, and sometimes even a great mom, but there are days when I think somebody picked the wrong person for this job.  I pray every night that I can be the kind of mom I want to be, but I'm not sure how to do that.  Today I started with my day with a scripture and a prayer (novel concept, I know) and it has been better.  Hopefully I can stick it out for a week and see what happens.
But what do you do about a child that never listens to you?  Who argues with everything you say?  Who throws a fit over the smallest things?  And, who is only 4?  Everything I try never works for long, if it works at all.  It is a great puzzle and I'm afraid I will spend the next 10+ years trying to solve it.
Despite how depressing the beginning of this post sounded, I do love my children and I am grateful for them.  I know that the Lord believes in me and trusts me with his children.  I don't like feeling like I'm failing Him and them on a daily basis.  But I know that they know I love them, and I tell them that every day.  I hug them and kiss them goodbye and goodnight.  I feel like I do contribute little drops of awesome each day and I hope that counts for something.  I have a desire to change and be better and I hope that also counts.
So, here I go, off to try and be the kind and patient mom I would like to be as Jared comes into the room crying over the newest disaster.

Stuck

I had to make this a separate post because it's a completely different topic.  I have been feeling spiritually stuck.  I feel like I get so caught up in the other things in my life, that I will just read a few verses at night and call it good.  But it's not.  I want to grow.  I want to learn.  I want to have a better understanding of the gospel and the scriptures.  Sometimes I miss the days of Seminary when, despite having to get up early, you could have a time of day set aside to study and discuss scripture!  I miss the feeling I had going to seminary.  I never minded getting up early.  I loved just being there and feeling like I was learning something important.  I wish that there was an Institute class offered during the day.  I would so jump on that!
    We went to the temple recently and I was able to talk to Whit about it.  I would hear stories about apostles and other people having these great epiphanies at the temple or being able to learn something new every time they went through a session and I felt like I was doing something wrong.  But after talking with him, I realized that's not always how it works.  He asked if I had prepared myself to go to the temple that day, and I realized it's been a long time that I have taken the time to spiritually prepare myself for hopefully a spiritual experience.  I can't just expect the Lord to give me amazing insights and revelation if all I do is hurry, hurry, hurry and then get there and say, "ok!  I'm ready!".  I'm pretty sure there is more to it than that.
   A part of me felt that since I have been in Primary the last three years, I have been missing out on true gospel discussion in Gospel Doctrine.  But sitting here, typing this right now, I realize that perhaps I have not had the best mind set.  Don't get me wrong; I love Primary!  I love being with the kids and love the women that I serve with.  But I'm pretty sure I could have gotten more out of it than I have.  I suppose that's probably true about a lot of things.  While we were sitting in the temple, I was reminded that Primary is where you learn about the basics of the gospel, and you can always go over them again and gain a firmer understanding of the gospel.  That's what I should have getting out of this; and I think I have to some to extent, but not as much as I could have.
   Whitney recommended, instead of just reading the scriptures straight through (which I've done), to read by topic.  So I have decided to take that challenge.  I'm also writing down scriptures that grab me and plan to put a board up in my room to collect them.  I also downloaded an app he recommended ( I know, the age of the apps!).  It's daily scripture verses with a quote and song to go along.  It's been interesting to see how often 2 or 3 days in a row will carry the same theme or, how, because I read a small quote from a conference talk, I now want to read the whole thing.
   I feel like in a small way I have had a spiritual awakening.  I found some things I could change that could help bring the spirit more into my life.  For so long I have felt stuck.  I felt like I wasn't moving forward or making progress.  There was always babies and diapers and being pregnant and laundry and school and lunches keeping my kids from killing each other!  But I know that I need to take time for myself; not just spiritually, but taking time to do things I want to do.  I enjoy making cards and being involved at the school.  Those things make me happy and feel like I have something to contribute besides more children!
   I know that was a bit rambling but wow!  I feel better!

Good day

       Yesterday and today were spent getting reaquainted with an old friend and getting to know a new friend.  The kids and I went to Windsor yesterday and spent the afternoon and evening with friends that we made when we had lived there. The funny thing, is that we only knew each other for about a year before we moved back here.  That was 5 years ago!  With the exception of last year, we have kept in pretty good touch.  So it was nice to go back.  It seems to take a little bit to get in the groove, but then talking and catching up becomes easier.  We left her hubby with the kids and then went to a movie.  It was nice to have some girl time, minus kids!  We stayed up late talking and the kids and I spent the night there since I'm an old lady about driving at night.
     We came back early this morning and then went to lunch at my cousin's house.  But I wasn't there to see him!  Recently he has gotten married and has a precious new baby boy.  His wife and I have talked a few times and they've come over for dinner, but it was nice today to have just one-on-one time (unless you count the 6 kids that were there too; I don't!).  I'm hoping to continue to get to know her better.  It's nice to have a new friend :).
     I did feel a little bad because Whitney ended up having a Training Day (which means day shift) yesterday so he was all alone last night.  But I think he enjoyed having a quiet house for once!

Happy February!....Again!

      Has it really been an entire year?!  I can't believe with all my vast amounts of free time ;) I haven't found time to post.  Though, to tell the truth, posting has never been my favorite thing.  I go back and forth and it's so easy now to post things on facebook and upload pictures there.  But I don't post on a regular basis there either.  Perhaps if I treat this as my journal, I'll post more often.  I guess we'll see.
          My baby gets baptized next month!  I can't believe he is almost 8 years old!  Cassie told me to prepare to be emotional and I am just thinking about it!  I love him so much and it's been fun and rewarding to see how he is maturing in certain ways. Our conversations are different now.  He enjoys basketball and reading about the planets and dinosaurs and science experiments.
     He was talking to Whitney the other day about a game he had been playing on the ipad.
    "Dad, I was fighting this skeleton and it was a piece of cake!  Then I was fighting this other skeleton and it was like a piece of stone."
   Whitney- "A piece of stone?"
   Jacob- "Yeah, Dad.  It was really hard!  Hard like a mineral!  He was a piece of stone!"  And that's how Jacob's mind works.

     Jared starts basketball next month and he is really excited!  He talks about it almost every day.  He loves 1st grade and is becoming a great little reader.  He still sucks his thumb.  Nothing we have tried has worked.  I think he'll just stop when he's ready.  I'm not sure what else to try.
    Sarah is in preschool and will start kindergarten in August.  She is a 12 year old trapped in a 4 year old's body.  I can't believe how much attitude she packs in!  But she can also be sweet and loving so I guess I've done something right.  She did gymnastics for a while last year and wants to do ballet this year.  I'm hoping during the spring or summer we can do that.
   Kamryn, all of the sudden, is speaking a mile a minute.  And you can understand more and more of what she says.  She has always been a little parrot and it seems to really be paying off now.  She knows all her letters and numbers 1-9, and 0.  She mimics everything her siblings say and is absolutely adorable!
    We've been asked if we will have more.  I don't know.  I feel like right now I am emotionally stretched as far as I will go.  I love my children very much.  I just don't think I can add more at the moment.  We are in a good place right now.  I can enjoy my kids and helping at the school and serving at church without worrying about a little baby or a due date.  It's nice to just BE for a while.